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I thought the story had a great series starting type of twist with the whole rotating magic cards. Its kinda like the medalion but without the crazy run arounds in the plot. I really loved the first story and the second story was really funny, especially the catsuit and the spurting incident :) i hope there are more to come ...........
Another Summer Game     Details
This tale is very engaging. We have a clear picture of how thoroughly poor Suki has been degraded. Now we need some details of the process. Was she subjected to bondage? How did she react the first time her butt plug was inserted? Has she sucked Chris' cock yet? Has she been castrated? Has she given up her bottom to Chris yet? These are all things we would love to read abnout. Nice work. Keep going.
The Unmaking of Me     Details
where to start? I had high hopes after the excellent part one but this story left me confused. there were plot holes big enough to toss an elephant thru. considering how well plottted the 1st part was, this part is rather dissapointing. here is an example "They all left the Stage and I walked around for a minute. I looked out at my audience and said. "That Linda Saunders sure was a bitch, I can understand why you beat her up. What took you so damn long, I hated being that girl. Anyway, all is forgiven." Excellent writing and dialogue. Too bad the situation was toatally unbelievable. I can accept the linda character as a new identity but believing that no one in the whole school figured it out because she cut her hair and dropped the indian clothing is harder than believing that superman is really clark kent with glasses on. You wrote it in poorly by having Tom portrayed as unaware of her past, and later being in on it and using it. That was just one flaw. Here are other questions. What was the purpose of having her near suicide levels over xmas in the old home.? Why in the world did he let her do chores for six months and then suddenly out of nowhere he invokes the lord like a preacher and she gets a great room and becomes prom queen? Why in the world did the whole remaining school board go along with a hostage situation as a SOLUTION? And shooting dawn and the principle??? Are they TOTALLY insane? Did they think they could shoot people and go back to school the next day after Betty was murdered? Total insanity, and no one even questioned it! No school situation is as screwed up as this one was without the media investigating. Where is 60 minutes??? Or Dateline??? Betty was treated worse by her friends than her enemies in this chapter and it really goes against all reason. I can see where you are trying to go but you need to go back and re-plot it like the first part so that there is a logic behind her moves as well as those who are supposed to be on her side, even if the logic is inneffective or misdirected. Example. even a month or more out of classes could easily be made up. Have you heard of tutoring? She could easily have caught up over the winter and spring (6 whole months!) and taken make up tests in may-june along with finals for her ongoing classes. With her determination, Tom should have fought for that. Even if she was forced out, tutoring could be arranged and tests could still be administered as you comment on in the story, and she should have the drive to be one of the 25 who would pass, so why not take that option. I think you outplotted yourself on this one and failed to justify most of the actions. Tom making her work harder than everyone else for long months and then springing a great room and prom dress etc was the point I began to give up. Sorry to be negative but I think you can improve this story. It needs a major rewrite. Start by having one board member go insane instead of them all. ONLY he is holding hostages, and instead of the dumb scene jumping thru the window, (Tho it was well written) have SWAT or the regular police take him out. Even if Betty has to do it herself, it is better than what happens next. You could still have her jump thru the window to escape, but forget about her vanishing. There is no reason for her to do so at that point in time! cut the abuse of her at the home unless you justify it with someone else taking over and her friends tom and the headmistress being forced out of power. You have Tom change sides far too much. Did the headmistress even speak in this part of the story, by the way? The school stuff can still work, but let the student body in on it. They are not ALL dumb enough to be fooled by a haircut. As to the rest, just work on the motivations and maybe change who does what a bit so there is a logical follow thru. Betty the survivor suddenly getting suicidal without even acknowledging it as not her usual state of mind is an example. She should have done something to cheer herself up or at least tried and failed if teenage depression suddenly overwhelmed her. And let us know if that is the case. Otherwise her depression comes out of nowhere and is unbelievable. Again you offer good potentials but not motive and direction. And Betty in part one was nothing if not filled with direction and the ability to adapt! I am sorry to be so negative, but I hope you accept it as positive criticism. The story had much potential in part one, and I think you can make this part much more thoughtful than it is now. The ideas seem good but you have to work at making them seem unforced and a natural part of the story. Also, keep the characters consistant and not change radically from helpful to harmful without any reason for the change! I hope there will be a rewrite. There is a lot here that is very interesting if the flaws can be worked out.
Better Life? Part 2     Details
First, I'd just like to say to the author, you stole my idea! (Just kidding). I had also thought of having Barkley, being the most neurotic of the Enterprise crew, undergoing such a change, but voluntarily. (I planned to have him be secretly transgendered, and his struggling with that issue would be the explanation for his being so neurotic and nervous). Yet I like this idea just as well--like the others, however, I believe not enough time was given for him to explore his new identity and his feelings about it. (I imagine Counselor Troi would be working overtime with him, for one thing). I thought the idea of having him go through various developmental levels in the holodeck was sensational!! I only wish he had done it. I always thought it would be funny if one of the characters had been caught in the holodeck playacting the role of a seven-year-old girl, playing with dolls (a male character, that is). I always fantasized it was me... Maybe another one of the crew members can stumble on the program. Perhaps Data, in his ever-continuing quest to understand human behavior, can run across the program in a sequel? And have the experiences permanently imprinted on his matrix? Might be all the more interesting now that he has the emotion chip... And one final thing--why ruin the story by making Barkley a brainless bimbo? Seems very much against the grain in the Star Trek universe, where women are considered equals and respected. But as always, I have to remember this is a story...
Barkley's Switch     Details
A very nice story of a different nature than many of the stories found here. Vicki did a very good description of the scene and the people in it. Although others have done human into object transfomations this one is different, I don't remember someone being absorbed into a painting before. And an easy read without stumbling over spelling and word errors. And to Vicki keep up the good work.
Charmed     Details

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